How to keep a warm relationship

I’ve been married for 16 months. Not a record by any means, but not bad, either. Most marriages never get this far. I’d like to say I’m an uncharacteristically awesome partner, impervious to boredom and able to discuss feelings without the faintest wisp of frustration or embarrassment.

My partner might read this, though, so I’ll be honest: I owe my good marriage to a few skills I’ve learned over the months. They’re not all easy, but you can start to hone them while you’re dating and make the transition to marriage much easier.

Be willing to forfeit: the win-win strategy

Disagreements are inevitable — as unavoidable. They don’t have to be acrimonious, though. And I’ve learned that in marriage the choice is often to win or to be happy. Being harsh and critical in an argument is only going to hurt feelings and alienate your partner. That’s fine if you want to rule the roost, but if you want to love and be loved, you’ve got to care for your partner’s feelings, especially when you’re fighting. I must admit that I have never fought but had some disagreements over ideas.

Get to the point, nicely

I can be a little sensitive sometimes, and not in the sweet and caring way as if provoke about my sacrifice, will provide evidence of the unfair things. Usually in the don’t-talk-to-me-about-my-shortcomings way. Lots of couples struggle to discuss the big issues that can rend a marriage in two. Who wants to talk about money management, family relationships and child rearing (to name just a few) while you’re falling in love? These don’t come up easily when you’re sipping coffee and eating molten chocolate cake.

“People are not direct enough,” says Jane Barton, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Knoxville, TN. “Indirect communication can be really damaging.”

She says that couples need to find ways to discuss the touchy subjects before they get married instead of hoping that marriage will fix any conflicts. It won’t. You may find yourself legally and emotionally bound to someone with a wicked online gambling habit or who thinks children respond best to pain.

The point is not to criticise your partner and attempt to rein in his or her habits. You want to know if his or her decisions are in line with your values. If you’re honest with yourself about your needs, you’ll know if conflicts are on the horizon.

“Don’t take on the task of teaching a person or being anyone’s personal therapist,” says Barton. “Identify what you feel and share it.”

Recognise that there is an “I” in marriage

My Partner and I are a team, talking, sharing and negotiating most decisions together. We’re individuals, too, though, and we don’t lose sight of that. We encourage each other’s goals and ambitions because we don’t feel threatened by them.

“Healthy relationships have room for that — his interests, her interests,” says Hastings. After all, she points out, “if you’re not able to address your own needs, no one else is going to do it for you.”

Be a copycat

Finding that mix of individuality and teamwork isn’t necessarily easy, but it’s essential. We simultaneously let each other be who we are while being influenced by each other. I had to learn to argue kindly, for instance, giving up the notion of the win. My partber somehow already knew everything about me. When you learn to appreciate the difference of each other, whether strengths and weaknesses. Learning to let the strengths come through, no matter whose they are, makes for a better team.

Be positive — it’s not just a blood type

One of my partner’s greatest strengths is a generally positive outlook. Allowing shaping the spin on a situation isn’t always easy, with my undeniable knowledge that the world affairs and silent politics. But slowly, over the course of our marriage, I’ve become willing to see through my partner’s eyes. We were married under strange situation, and from day one, we initiated communication and positive thinking though we knew what the results would be.

“People need to learn early on,” says Barton, “that there are always going to be problems. There’s always going to be stress, somebody gets sick or somebody dies, and that’s part of life.” Successful couples, she says, dwell on the good times and not on the bad.

One good advice, if you wanna satisfy your partner, there is only one way that goes to the stomach through the kitchen. If one man could mend another man, the whole world would be perfect to live in.

We never forget in our life, our first love, our first night that begets another life and the promises we made to each other.